Saturday, July 3, 2021

Expertly captured by Maddie M.

Fourth of July is usually a big deal for me. I'd normally be with family in Michigan and I'd come home and post a huge set of photos of everything I did. This year I felt like it would be best for me if I broke the tradition. It gets a little crowded and maybe there's one too many people there. I did that thing again where I care way too much and then I'm shocked when I get dirt kicked in my face so I'm still getting over that. The same lessons will keep repeating themselves until you learn from them. I'm on my third round just this year. I need to learn this lesson quick because I can't afford to lose anyone else.

It has been said of me that I might have some degree of autism (maybe I do, nothing wrong with that) but I don't know if it comes from a place of genuine concern as much as "you're different so there must be something wrong with you." There's nothing wrong with me. Yes, I'm definitely different. I'll openly admit that. I'm not like you. I don't always like to do all the things you do. I don't always want to talk about all the things you want to talk about. I don't think people realize how little time we all have on this planet, so you really have to prioritize what you spend it on. Whatever you do with it, go where you're appreciated, not just where you're tolerated.

That's where friends come in. The family who chooses you rather than being stuck with you. What would we do without them? The giving of one's time is a priceless gift to me.

On a side note, I've been thinking about why a lot of things just don't appeal to me. Drinking, for example. I think most people drink to feel less, and I don't blame them or judge them for it. That's okay. The problem I have is that I spend most of my time wanting to feel more: more depth, more authenticity, more honesty, more emotion. I rarely find people or environments that can provide the intensity I crave. The last thing I want to do is dull those experiences. I want to be sharply aware of what is happening around me so I can experience it vividly. That's the drug. That's the high I'm chasing.