Tuesday, June 30, 2020

I've gone through a period of rapid growth recently, and while I've touched on it, I haven't taken a lot of time to slow down and document where I'm at or really express it properly.

I've always felt guilty in some way for believing in myself or standing up for what I deserve. Maybe I felt it was vain or self-centered to ask that much. I'm learning it's okay to have standards and expectations for how I’m treated. I tend to invest a lot of my time and energy where it isn’t appreciated. That unbalance was the cause of a lot of pain for me, and that was my fault because I invested poorly. I made compromises because of my loyalty, but I shouldn't have to do that, and I don't deserve to be taken for granted. I will reserve my deepest devotion for people who care about me like I care about them, who make an effort to be around me, and who aren't too busy to talk to me. I have allowed others to define how I feel about myself, and that is a power I will no longer give up. I'm still working on rewiring my brain and my heart, but I can tell I'm making progress.

Lessons can be difficult and pain is part of the process. The good news is that you come back stronger every time. Eventually, the things that you were afraid of don't intimidate you anymore. The things that used to knock you down can't stop you. The bullets just...bounce off. You can stand a little taller. You can start to smile again.